


His Badge

by archivaaree



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29266107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archivaaree/pseuds/archivaaree
Summary: Flashes of lightning tore Levi’s dim room in silence. There was nothing for a couple seconds before its roar blared outside. A storm was coming; Levi could tell it would be a big one.Not that he cared, though. For his storm had already come this evening; along with a newly ripped badge in the palm on his hand—Erwin’s.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 1
Kudos: 37





	His Badge

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is a one shot of Levi mourning over Erwin's death. A little scribble, though. I haven't written in a while so I apologize if there are a lot of errors here and there. I'd be glad to know what do you think! ILY <3

Flashes of lightning tore Levi’s dim room in silence. There was nothing for a couple seconds before its roar blared outside. A storm was coming; Levi could tell it would be a big one.

Not that he cared, though. For his storm had already come this evening; along with a newly ripped badge in the palm on his hand—

Erwin’s.

-

All these years, Levi told himself to not dwell on whatever the fuck his choice was. He told himself to believe in his choice of decision. How bitter and heart wrenching it might be; he always forced himself to think that whatever happened, happened. Even after Farlan and Isabel’s death, or his teammates’, or his comrades. Levi told himself to not think about it because he himself couldn’t predict what’s right; he wouldn’t be able to.

But now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

Memories of this evening haunted him like mad. As if he was still standing on top of the roof, Levi saw Erwin’s motionless body before him. He saw his ever too slow breathing, his reddening cast on his hip. Levi remembered how much he trembled with the serum box in his hands.

He wanted to give them to Erwin, he really was. Hell, out of everyone in this whole world, Levi wanted Erwin to be the one to see what was inside that basement. That stupid dream of his. Levi wanted it to come true.

But he was also the one who told Erwin to ‘ _give up on his dreams and go die’_.

He wanted Erwin to _rest._ As much as he wanted to save Erwin and bring him back, Levi wanted Erwin to rest from this wicked world. He wanted the man to fell at ease; for he already had given his best for his very own dream.

Levi knew all too well about it. He knew too damn well that Erwin would give everything there was to give in him to reach that goal of his. Levi knew. And yet, he probably was the biggest reason why Erwin would never be able to fulfill that wish.

_Was it wrong?_

Completely absorbed in his thought, Levi didn’t even realize he had been clenching so hard on Erwin’s badge. His knuckles had gone white.

 _Say, Erwin_. He chuckled as he felt his eyes stung, unclenching his fist. _It was a bad decision to leave the serum to me, don’t you think?_

Maybe, if Erwin had left the serum to Hanji, he would still be here instead of being burried six feet underground. Maybe, if Levi had injected the serum to him, Erwin would sit on his bed with that stupidly serious face of his.

Maybe, if it weren’t for himself, Erwin would still be by his side.

Levi hadn’t cried in years. He didn’t even shed a tear when he saw every single one of his comrades got wiped out, not even when he saw Petra hanging on that fucking tree. He almost thought that all of his tears dried already.

He was wrong.

He didn’t cry before because even if everybody’s gone, he thought Erwin’s reassuring hand would still support him on his back. He thought that even if he had to rip thousands of badges of his dead mates, he wouldn’t find Erwin’s in his hands. Because he swore to protect Erwin and fulfill his promise to kill the beast titan. He swore in his heart he wouldn’t let anyone harm the commander.

He swore with his whole heart.

But as much as he failed to fulfill his promise to kill the titan, he failed to save Erwin too.

And that was on _him_. Not Armin who was also dying, or Eren who begged him, or Floch who brought Erwin back to him when it was pretty much almost too late.

 _It was on_ _himself_.

As if he was knocked out of breath, Levi cried. Hard. So hard that his whole body shook and his chest ached like shit. He knew everyone secretly blamed him for Erwin’s death. _Heck_ , even he blamed himself. He blamed himself more than anyone.

 _Why?_ He gritted his teeth, holding back a sob. Fat, hot tears streamed down his face as his fingers desperately trying to find some sort of warmth on his passed commander’s badge. _Why did it has to be me, Erwin?_

The aching on his chest felt even worse when the face of Erwin giving him the box played in the back of his head. Levi still remember how Erwin’s eyes looked that day; the way he trusted Levi with the most important thing, the way he believed Levi would be able to do the _right_ thing with the serum.

Faintly, Levi could hear rain started to pour and lightnings started to strike. He was glad. At least that way, no one would hear him wailing on his room. That way, no one would know how pathetic he was crying out Erwin’s name, begging him to come back because maybe—

Maybe Levi _did_ have regrets in his heart. Maybe he regretted saving Armin instead of Erwin. Maybe he really did regret choosing a boy with Erwin’s look in his eyes instead of Erwin himself.

Levi thought it was the _right_ thing to do; to let Erwin rest and move on. He thought it was the best option.

But what’s right and best when his whole world felt like it had been crushed down? What’s right and best when it felt like he was falling into this dark abyss of regrets? What’s right and best about not having Erwin by his side?

Levi didn’t even know anymore. He didn’t care.

_He wanted Erwin back._

The storm only got stronger then and Levi didn’t bother to contain his voice anymore. He screamed Erwin’s name, like it would bring him back; like it would ease his pain. But it didn’t. His aching only got worse and by the time he fell to the floor of his room, a pair of arms curled on his body.

A hard sob followed and Levi didn’t have to look up to know who was it.

Hanji hugged him from behind and rest her head on his shoulder, crying.

“It’s okay,” Hanji said in her trembling voice. “It’s okay, let it out. Let it all out, Levi.”

Levi didn’t have to be told twice. The next thing he knew was he hugged Hanji’s taller body and hid his red, wet face in the crook of her neck.

“I just-“ Levi tried to speak. His voice was hoarse from the lump in his throat. Angry, hot tears still streamed down his face. “I wanted him to rest. I wanted him to stop playing the devil he never was. I just- _Fuck_ , _was I wrong_?”

Levi could felt Hanji’s head shooked in response, trying to tell him that _no, he wasn’t wrong._

Levi didn’t buy that.

“Then tell me why, Hanji.” He sucked on his teeth, trying to contain another wave of sob. “Tell me why is it so goddamn painful? If it was the right thing to do, then why am I hurting _this_ _bad_?”

“Because we lost him.” Hanji hugged Levi tighter, if that was possible.

“Well I’d like him _back_.” Levi’s voice cracked at the last word.

Hanji herself tried not to sob, she was trying to be the stronger one. That was her original plan when the kids came running, asking her to come to the captain’s room because they heard his broken shouting. Even the hard rainfall and thunders couldn’t mask off his voice from being heard. Hanji ran off then after telling Mikasa and Eren to calm the grim looking Armin.

Hanji really did intend to be strong and comfort her very best friend, but she couldn’t help it when she saw the strongest man alive; someone with a sharp tongue and scary face to match, bawled his eyes out whilst holding on their dead commander’s badge. His small figure looked like he’s in wrenching pain and Hanji lost every bit of her intentions in being strong.

“It’s because we lost him despite it being the right thing to do, Levi.” She continued, ignoring Levi’s last sentence. “I know you want him back, but I know deep down you just wanted him— _Erwin_ to rest and take a breath. We all want him to be. But it feels so hard because he’s not _here_ to take that very breath.”

Levi’s body shook harder at Hanji’s words. Her sentences were sharp. Words to words. But her unstable voice made him realized just how much those words stung her too.

Hanji was in the same deep, killing pain as himself.

So that night, Levi allowed himself to be vulnerable for once; something that he hadn’t done in a while. Something he hadn’t done in front of anyone but Erwin; _his_ Erwin. Because Hanji knew how much aching his heart felt when he saw Floch carrying an unconscious Erwin on his back. Hanji knew how conflicted he was when he had to choose between getting his precious person back to this cruel world or letting him sleep for good.

Hanji knew how much he loved Erwin; how many bodies he would be willing to sacrifice in order to achieve Erwin’s dream; how many kills he would commit to make Erwin’s hope come to life. Hanji knew Levi would do _anything_ to make Erwin happy.

And no matter how hard it was to swallow, Hanji knew Levi’s decision to safe Armin instead of Erwin was simply because he loved the man _so_ much; so much that Levi would take up the blame for not choosing the commander in order to let the man rest, that Levi would let himself be in this kind of near-death pain because he wouldn’t see Erwin again for the rest of his life.

Levi _loved_ Erwin. Hanji knew about that all too much.

That’s why “It’s okay,” was all Hanji could repeat for the rest of the night, though she also knew it wouldn’t comfort Levi at all. Nothing would.

Except for the badge Erwin left behind that Levi sew on his very uniform since that night.


End file.
